Bipolar Lifestyles

Chrismas carolers

Rudolf the Bipolar Reindeer

Rudolf the Bipolar reindeer
Was diagnosed a bipolar one.
He could sink to the lowest,
Or fly straight into the sun.

All of the other reindeer
Used to play games with his meds.
They like to laugh at Rudolf
When he would hide from the Feds.

Then one groggy Christmas Eve,
Hitched lead to the sleigh,
Rudolf with his head so light,
Stranded Santa in the night.

Now all the other reindeer
Hope he finds his sanity.
They, all the toys and Rudolf —
Last seen over Helsinki.

Paranoia’s Coming to Town

Ooooohhhhh
You better not shout
To all whom you see.
Don’t write about
The Conspiracy:
Paranoia’s coming to town.

You couldn’t have missed —
Checked everywhere twice,
Still couldn’t find
The bugging device.
Paranoia’s coming to town.

You know that they are peeping,
Which keeps you wide awake.
Pretty soon you can’t tell bad from good,
Or the real threat from the fake.

Sooooooo

You’d better not scout
To discover their key.
Get too far out,
It’s insanity.
Paranoia’s coming to town.
Paranoia’s coming to town.
Paranoia’s comiiiiing tooooo town.

We Three Psychiatrists

We pdocs (psychiatrists) in white gabardine,
Welcome you to locked ward 14.
Make you complaints,
We have restraints.
Now tell us all you’re seeing.

Oooooh OOOHHHH!!!

Affect: Wonder
Eyes shine bright.
Breathing: Rapid
Mood: contrite
Showing much fun —
Must numb this some.
Let’s see what meds could be right.

Thorazine to offer have I —
Sure to take that gleam from your eye.
You might slow some,
Feel like chewed gum,
Notice no one nearby.

Oooooh OOOHHHH!!!

BP dx,
Mood phase light,
Seems to want sex
With nurse Wright.
Ignores most rules —
Thinks we’re all fools.
Soon we must set this one right.

I bring Haldol, drink this right down;
It will bring you back to the ground.
Come convulsion,
We’ll add Cogentin —
You may feel muscle-bound.

Oooooh OOOHHHH!!!

Axis One: schiz
Haze not slight.
Borderline fits:
Quick to fight.
Wanders in group.
Yells with loud whoop.
Good to see treatment plan’s tight.

Be glad to know I give no med —
I instead go straight to your head.
You’ll need no pill,
‘Cause with my drill;
I’ll remove all your dread.

Oooooh OOOHHHH!!!

Day is over;
Time for a toast.
Safe’s the secret
We guard the most:
Under this fun,
WE are THE ONE:
Father, Son and Freudian host.

Silver Bells

Crowded sidewalk;
Loud, rude snide talk —
Line to Wal-Mart’s a mile,
As I’m shopping in mixed mood for Christmas.
Feel like laughing, crying, crashing,
Meds cannot buffer the bile.
Pressure builds in my head and I hear:

Silver bells.
Silver bells.
I glance at all faces quickly.
Ring-a-ling.
Ding-a-ling.
If they do hear they don’t say.

Duck a catfight,
Grab some dance tights —
Elbow smashes my ear,
At the Clearance Sale table for Christmas.
Got a tie tack,
A backhand slap,
And I fall on my rear;
My mouth gapes wide open as I see:

Silver bells.
Silver bells.
Strange little chrome things surround me.
Hear them ring.
I wanna scream.
In this store I cannot stay.

Off the floor now,
Need the door now,
Shoppers clogging the aisles
Don’t give in easily when it’s Christmas.
Have to pull hair;
God, almost there —
Swinging door stops my smile.
I spin ’round, hit the wall and I see:

Tinkerbells.
Tinkerbells.
Fairies all flying around me.
Hear them sing —
And they ring —
EVERYONE OUT OF MY WAY.

Finally I’m home,
Sev’ring the phone —
Fairies still fill the air.
Worse, they sing me songs written for Christmas.
But it’s my turf,
So it’s not worth
Me tearing my hair.
I pull open a drawer and I seize:

Purple pills.
Purple pills.
I need them almost every Christmas.
No more sing.
No more ring.
That’s how I like Christmas Day.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my pdoc (psychiatrist) gave to me
A diagnosis of insanity.

On the second day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Two caps of lithium
Which made both of my hands all shaky.

On the third day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
And now I can barely see.

On the fourth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
Now my mouth tastes like soiled undies.

On the fifth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Five bars of Xanax.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
I will never pay off that shopping spree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Six caps of Risperdal
Five bars of Xanax.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
Whoa, my feet feel so awful heavy.

On the seventh day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Risperdal
Five bars of Xanax.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
I’m becoming a lock-jawed zombie.

On the eighth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Eight wedges Seroquel
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Risperdal
Five bars of Xanax.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
Oh, my head is so sore and dizzy.

On the ninth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Nine doses Lamictal
Eight wedges Seroquel
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Risperdal
Five bars of Xanax.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
A tub of water and I’m still so thirsty.

On the tenth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Ten more Effexor
Nine doses Lamictal
Eight wedges Seroquel
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Risperdal
Five bars of Xanax.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
Now all it can do is just pee.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Eleven Paxil dancing
Ten more Effexor
Nine doses Lamictal
Eight wedges Seroquel
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Risperdal
Five bars of Xanax.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
I just know he is out to get me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Twelve shots of Thorazine
Eleven Paxil dancing
Ten more Effexor
Nine doses Lamictal
Eight wedges Seroquel
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Risperdal
Five bars of Xanax.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of Lithium
And a quick ride to Emergency.

 

By Richard DuPertuis

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